One of those moments again.

i just wonder how people all around me seem to have such a life.
they have the friends, the outings, the activities, the parties, the drinks, the suppers, the cars, the loves, the money, the looks, the gadgets, the cliques, the guys/girls, the pictures, the hang outs, the image, the faith, the dreams, the fun, the smiles, the happiness.
the EVERYTHING.

while my life seems to be so straight out blank.

im having one of those moments where i think life is this one big knot in a shoelace thats taking up all my grey matter to untie. im thinking so hard and the knot is still getting bigger and bigger and nak tau dah berapa kali i dah trip dan jatuh?

URGH.
its just so frustrating!!! its like my brain is blocked or something. im trying to straighten it all out, but URGH. its giving me a headache.

i sit here staring at the computer, moving my fingers absentmindedly across the keyboard, and glancing at my phone every one or two seconds, but whats the point, nothings gonna come in, but i still have this strange longing in my heart for things to go back to the way it was before.
people always say move on, no one has ever say go back. but what if i want to, what if i hate the present? what if i hate what the present predicts about the future? what if i wanna go back to the past and just stay there.

This nauseating nostalgia is roping me down to a world beneath, one i never knew existed before.

someone once said that living in the unknown is the gist of life. but is that true?
living in the unknown has let me down one too many times. it has crushed my heart. i just shudder at the thought of something happening unexpectedly again, what if this time, its worse than before and i cant take it in anymore? i've already destroyed myself enough the last time life let me down, what more do i have to endure?

alot i guess. after all, im only 14.

i hate being a sanguine melancholy, but i guess thats how God made me.
i hate having mood swings all the time, just a few hours ago, i was having so much fun, and look at me now, but i guess thats just how teenagers are.
or maybe its just me?

i wanna scream my lungs sore and just feel relief flood through my heart.
but hell, even the word relief scares me.

this time of the day, is one i fear the most, when everyone's asleep,
and i'm left on my own.
free to do anything i want, free to think.
in the dead of the night,
i never know when i'll do something i'll regret for eternity.

is there such thing as eternity?

i think too much, more than is considered healthy.
and then i react, and thats when trouble strikes.
this sounds like a silent cry for attention, but its not attention i want,
i just want relief, joy, happiness.
long, lasting ones, not ones that fizzles off as soon as it comes.

Tears fall into my crossed laps as i sit here thinking of what to say next.
thinking of what i can do to make my heart feel lighter.
its like someone just dumped a tonne of bricks within my cardiovascular walls.

songs do little to ease the knot in my stomach.
ever had one of those moments where you could feel your heart in your throat?
ever had one of those times you just wanna cry your heart out because you know what it does to ease the pain, but still no tears come?

Sleep, blissful oblivion,
the only thing that'll numb this confusion,
the only thing that wont grace me with its presence right now.



stop my mind from thinking,
stop my heart from feeling, from beating.
stop my sleep from dreaming, when you know its all ending.
stop my world, stop my life.
stop it all, all right now.

I wanna rid my mind of all piercing thoughts.
I wanna rid my heart of all torturous feelings.
I wanna end this excruciating anguish.
I wanna take my own sparkless life.
I wanna feel the peace of relief.