a "dont know what to say" update

i seriously dont know what to say.
well , yeah, i actually have alotta things to say. i just dont know where and how to start. haha.

okk.. lets start from monday.

nothing happened on monday.

tuesday pun nada.

wednesday was teachers day. but im not gonna say anythinga bout it, coz you can read about it at wei lynn's blog. just go there from my link.

thursday is where things happened.
some of my clas teachers were involved in the school concert raptai so of coz tak masuk class laa. duhh.. swt"
and i was reading sink or swim. and there was this one part that was talking about the character pretending to have gotten over her ex bf, and putting on a front that shows thats she's strong and all that. bla bla bla.

and the book said "you cant make somehting go away just......by ignoring it. you may think you're being storng but you're just pushing it all down. it takes so much energy to push it all down too"

and that got me thinking about me. haha.
this past month. june. the life i've been living this past month has been a total lie for me. it was all a fake. after the bust up at the end of may. i vented my anger for 2 days and i just put on a mask.

a mask that said "im fine. there's nothing wrong. im over him. i hate him. he's a jerk. i never want to see, talk, sms him ever again. i just wanna dissappear from his life"
but beneath that mask, i've been crumbling and breaking so much. i've missed talking to him so much. DONT GET ME WRONG! i mean, sharing my problems with him was.......idk. he understood me laa. can cheer me up. and he's funny kay.

but still, i did not go sms him for the past month.

why?

well, i guess, i was afraid. i was very afraid. bthe past 2-3 months has been a bliss+hurt. it was like, he was helping me up the ladder, kept pulling me up, and when i was almost at the top, he would just shunt me off. i fall to the ground, hurt myself, and he would come and be the helping hand. and believe or not? the whole cycle keeps going on and on. and im always the one to get hurt. and because of me continuesly getting hurt, i've sorta put up walls and barriers around my heart, to protect myself from getting hurt anymore. and if he sms-es me, like he did, twice in june, i wouldnt let myself go hysterical,pretend its nothing. if he said anything hurtful, i'll just disregard it, pretend its nothing. its like i was stopping myself from feeling anything for him and the things he did. even normal daily life things like smsing ppl or stufff.

i was afraid of letting myself in too deep again. i was afraid that it would affect me too much.

i was afraid of getting hurt again.

continuing with thursday. so i suddenly got this thoughts, and another sudden thought came to me.
i suddenly thought of him saying "look, whenever you want someone to talk to, im always free".

and that put me down even more. i mean, how was i supposed to talk to him about my problems and stuff. when he IS my problems and stuff?? and my friends they're all very good friends, best friends. but we never talk about all these kinda deep deep things. we jsut have fun together. and i have no one to talk to.

not forgetting god.

so i sorta din talk at all for the whole of saturday. i just kept mulling things over in my mind. iot even put me off my food during recess which is not normal. haih. i came home, feeling so down, and i kena from my mom again, sheesh.

that sums up my week i guess.

went for dinner just now at evergreen. cousin's bday dinner.

and nothing much for now.

"you'll find someone when you're ready."