"Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer, if it doesn't work out, then kill them." -Mac Taylor


School was definitely. im not really sure how to elaborate, but I guess alot of things are clearing up, and God's opening doors, answering prayers. So, God, please continue being with us :)



I wish I can say that visiting the past last night didnt hurt, but I cant.
I'm just glad that I'm alright now :)

Lets all be bitches and liars,
anorexics and bullimics,
self-mutilators and suiciders.

Orphanage

drop by Tania or Wei-Lynn's blog for updates.
firebrands blog pun tak apa.

look to your right for links.

The Climb

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith

One of those moments again.

i just wonder how people all around me seem to have such a life.
they have the friends, the outings, the activities, the parties, the drinks, the suppers, the cars, the loves, the money, the looks, the gadgets, the cliques, the guys/girls, the pictures, the hang outs, the image, the faith, the dreams, the fun, the smiles, the happiness.
the EVERYTHING.

while my life seems to be so straight out blank.

im having one of those moments where i think life is this one big knot in a shoelace thats taking up all my grey matter to untie. im thinking so hard and the knot is still getting bigger and bigger and nak tau dah berapa kali i dah trip dan jatuh?

URGH.
its just so frustrating!!! its like my brain is blocked or something. im trying to straighten it all out, but URGH. its giving me a headache.

i sit here staring at the computer, moving my fingers absentmindedly across the keyboard, and glancing at my phone every one or two seconds, but whats the point, nothings gonna come in, but i still have this strange longing in my heart for things to go back to the way it was before.
people always say move on, no one has ever say go back. but what if i want to, what if i hate the present? what if i hate what the present predicts about the future? what if i wanna go back to the past and just stay there.

This nauseating nostalgia is roping me down to a world beneath, one i never knew existed before.

someone once said that living in the unknown is the gist of life. but is that true?
living in the unknown has let me down one too many times. it has crushed my heart. i just shudder at the thought of something happening unexpectedly again, what if this time, its worse than before and i cant take it in anymore? i've already destroyed myself enough the last time life let me down, what more do i have to endure?

alot i guess. after all, im only 14.

i hate being a sanguine melancholy, but i guess thats how God made me.
i hate having mood swings all the time, just a few hours ago, i was having so much fun, and look at me now, but i guess thats just how teenagers are.
or maybe its just me?

i wanna scream my lungs sore and just feel relief flood through my heart.
but hell, even the word relief scares me.

this time of the day, is one i fear the most, when everyone's asleep,
and i'm left on my own.
free to do anything i want, free to think.
in the dead of the night,
i never know when i'll do something i'll regret for eternity.

is there such thing as eternity?

i think too much, more than is considered healthy.
and then i react, and thats when trouble strikes.
this sounds like a silent cry for attention, but its not attention i want,
i just want relief, joy, happiness.
long, lasting ones, not ones that fizzles off as soon as it comes.

Tears fall into my crossed laps as i sit here thinking of what to say next.
thinking of what i can do to make my heart feel lighter.
its like someone just dumped a tonne of bricks within my cardiovascular walls.

songs do little to ease the knot in my stomach.
ever had one of those moments where you could feel your heart in your throat?
ever had one of those times you just wanna cry your heart out because you know what it does to ease the pain, but still no tears come?

Sleep, blissful oblivion,
the only thing that'll numb this confusion,
the only thing that wont grace me with its presence right now.



stop my mind from thinking,
stop my heart from feeling, from beating.
stop my sleep from dreaming, when you know its all ending.
stop my world, stop my life.
stop it all, all right now.

I wanna rid my mind of all piercing thoughts.
I wanna rid my heart of all torturous feelings.
I wanna end this excruciating anguish.
I wanna take my own sparkless life.
I wanna feel the peace of relief.

first thing first, Lisa you missed out alot today man.


school was awesome. why?

we almost burned down the science lab. or rather flood it.

warning : never try this at home.

play with matches while doing science experiments
try to soak someone in the science lab.
laugh yourself mad.
half strip because your pinafore is wet
squirt water at somebody's shorts.
empty a bottle of water over someone's head or into their shirt.

thats practically my day. was awesome fun, though it sounds childish, but STILL.

adopting Wei-Lynn's to-do-list, this is mine.

to-do-list (in random order)

1. civic folio
2. geografi folio
3. moral folio
4. find something to wear for tomorrow
5. pray hard that my leg wont hurt anymore
6. dance more
7. take up jazz
8. finish sewing sequins
9. study (thanks to Lynn :p)
10. patch things up with people, say sorry
11. sort out saturday and sunday's plans
12. get a haircut
13. write surat tidak hadirs for hockey practice
14. write surat tidak hadir for tomorrow
14. clear my room
15. get the shelf fixed up
16. be happier
17. stay happier
18. sleep earlier
19. get my mind untied
20. love more

Penning my mind

I'm confused over something i shouldnt be confused about.


If the Rubiks cuve can spread so fast, why cant the Word of God?


movie this friday! no schoollll!! whoo


Omg, did i just offend someone again?


aiyo, still got civic folio to do!

and geografi folio!

and moral folio

and seni folio

UP CAR.


new cubE!! whooots.


saturday planssss, come to me.


ee wei's birthday coming!


when are my pizza vouchers coming?


what to do with my money??


why was Rita charged??


PLEASE tell me you're not mad.


i miss ballet!


no ballet till next tuesday!. =S


friday plans how ar?


i dowanna waste my day la.

dont care, gonna watch movie. muahahaha.


im happy. whoo!


stupid cut on my leg, make me cacat ni.


but i get to wear slippars to school!


gotta sew sequins!

concert comingggg. DIEEETTTT.


ok dieting is bad.


church this saturday.


leg paiiiin......



Gotta let go, someone help me.
Did i make you mad?
Did i make you hate me?

Gotta stop, stop dreaming of you.
Gotta stop, stop thinking of you.

Gotta stop, stop holding on.
Everybody says that,
but we all know its not easy.
So someone help me,
help me.

See You There

Baby, i love you.

1:41

My last memories of you (edited)

I can still remember you,
standing beside me.
**** *** ***, at the ticket booth
Just the two of us,** *** ***** ****

I can still remember the light in your eyes,
when you looked at me.
*** ***** * **** *** *** ***** ****
**** * *** *** ***** *** *** *** ******

All the flirting and all the caring,
all the words that left me falling.

My last memories of you,
they hurt.
What started off as nothing, turned out to be everything.
I knew it wouldnt work out,
but still I took my chances.
The movies, the messages, the calls,
none of them were meant to be,
My last memories of you.

I can still hear the sound of your voice.
The secrets we shared and our hushed laughter
All still etched in my mind.
Do you remember them?
Our messages and inside jokes.
Do you remember the nights we stayed up on the phone,
whispering,
when we were supposed to be
sleeping.

All the flirting and all the caring,
all the words that left me falling.

My last memories of you, they hurt.
What started off as nothing, turned out to be everything.
I knew it wouldnt work out,
but still I took my chances.
The movies, the messages, the calls,
none of them were meant to be,
My last memories of you.

Kill me now, i hate this.
Take this agony away, just take it.
Leave me numb, leave me lifeless.
Please, just do it.

All this cuts on my arms,
they mean nothing
compared to how you have made me feel.
(I thought you were different, but You tore my heart apart)

No wound on the outside can bleed more
than the one on the inside
(I thought we had a chance, but You tore my heart apart)

All the flirting and all the caring,
all the words that left me falling.

WHAT WERE THEY FOR?

My last memories of you, they hurt



like hell.

Things have changed for me,
but its ok,
im still the same.

-Panic At The Disco











Am i?

Remember when we never had to remember when times were better,

times were better than this

-There For Tomorrow

There's just one thing, that'll make me say,
I used to be love drunk, but now im hungover.
Love is forever, forever is over.

-Boys Like Girls

how could everything possibly change overnight?